Toni Lepeska
When a Parent Dies
I didn’t expect to take eight years cleaning out my parents’ home. But here I am. I also didn’t expect to feel walls of resistance erect inside of me, blocking my ability – or rather, my willingness – to throw away, give away or pack up their stuff. Propriety dictated I go over to their …
Do you feel safe? I don’t mean do you fear you’re in danger of being robbed or burgled or murdered. I mean do you feel like you are emotionally in a place of safety? I admit I haven’t always felt safe. In fact, one of the most unsafe times in my life was after my father …
Have you ever felt like a social misfit? The feeling was never greater for me than at the mega church I attended in junior high school. But I’d put that out of my mind until this past weekend. I dressed for comfort and convenience, not for style and statement. I wore my hair straight and …
What is the good of grief? Is there anything we can snatch from the jaws of death? Or is it a final defeat – senseless, purposeless and meaningless? My mother died eight years ago today. I remember feeling the sense of total defeat for her. I was still alive. I might rise from the ashes …
I dreamed I was a child again, playing with my toys. I feel like a child a lot when I grieve. I even cry out for my “mommy” and “daddy” like a girl who has tripped and bruised her knee. But in my dream my parents were alive, and I was playing with the toys …
I call July “death month.” My parents died three years apart, both in July. I’ve been through lots of Julys now, and I’ve noticed three ways I’ve responded. I think they can help you, too.
Are we all destined to be children in the wake of our parents’ deaths? In light of the passing of a young mother last week, I questioned the label I’d once used for myself – adult orphan. Could I really compare my loss to that of three children under the age of 10? I don’t …
I survived the yard sale without any major kick from grief to my insides. I’m not sure whether to celebrate that fact or bemoan it. The absence of grief is in itself a grief. I snapped a photo of my father’s fire engine red tool box at the feet of the buyer. I took other …
I should have known better. I’ve been grieving long enough to know. But because I didn’t think ahead, I planned the last grand sale of my parents’ belongings right before Father’s Day. And right before “death month” – July. Both my parents died in the month of July, three years apart. Every year I march …
