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Toni Lepeska

When a Parent Dies

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death of parent

A tornado forms out of dark clouds

Tornado: The Roar in the Night

You never forget the roar. I was 8 years old when a tornado terrorized my family as we tried to survive in perhaps the worst possible structure to shelter us. I was tucked under the covers when the bedroom light came on, and the next thing I knew, my mother had pulled me out of …

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Parkinson’s & the Impact of Prolonged Illness on Grief

What is the impact of prolonged illness on grief? Does it give us time to get used to the idea of death? Does the anticipation in some way lessen the sting of loss? I think on these questions as we mark Parkinson’s Awareness Week and World Parkinson’s Day, April 10th on the 2019 calendar. My …

Read moreParkinson’s & the Impact of Prolonged Illness on Grief
Hand rests on window screen

Seeking Connection Thru Objects of the Dead

What do you hold onto that makes you feel close to your deceased loved one? Is it a shirt with their smell? A love letter? Or maybe it’s not an object but a shared cause or creed you foster. Connection. We all seek it but in different ways. I believe it is a critical component …

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The Profound Nature of Suffering

Sometimes I want to scream. Somewhere along the way, I decided that someday I’d be through with suffering, but I’m not. The tag I put on it is expired, and yet I’m still suffering. I hesitate using the word suffering for my struggle. I’ve not been to war. I’ve not lost a leg, been burned …

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Cleaning Out a Deceased Loved One’s Home: Four Tips to Spark the Process

I didn’t expect to take eight years cleaning out my parents’ home. But here I am. I also didn’t expect to feel walls of resistance erect inside of me, blocking my ability – or rather, my willingness – to throw away, give away or pack up their stuff. Propriety dictated I go over to their …

Read moreCleaning Out a Deceased Loved One’s Home: Four Tips to Spark the Process

Grief: A Doorway to God?

What is the good of grief? Is there anything we can snatch from the jaws of death? Or is it a final defeat – senseless, purposeless and meaningless? My mother died eight years ago today. I remember feeling the sense of total defeat for her. I was still alive. I might rise from the ashes …

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Cleaning Out Parents’ Home Painful, Valuable Process

I should have known better. I’ve been grieving long enough to know. But because I didn’t think ahead, I planned the last grand sale of my parents’ belongings right before Father’s Day. And right before “death month” – July. Both my parents died in the month of July, three years apart. Every year I march …

Read moreCleaning Out Parents’ Home Painful, Valuable Process

Who We Decide We Are Steers Our Lives

I didn’t like my name. School teachers and classmates misspelled and mispronounced it. Others expected me to be a boy, to be Tony. Not Toni. But I’ve long since gotten over that, and even love my name now. I’ve never met nor discovered through Google another Toni Lepeska. It’s unique. Maybe you’ve struggled with your …

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A Christmas Recipe: Putting Together a New Normal

      I’m trying to figure out how to put my new life together. It’s been eight Christmases since I lost my mother and 11 since I lost my dad, and I still am trying to figure out this “new normal.” Especially this time of year.        Maybe it’s like following a recipe. I don’t mean that …

Read moreA Christmas Recipe: Putting Together a New Normal
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