What do you hold onto that makes you feel close to your deceased loved one? Is it a shirt with their smell? A love letter? Or maybe it’s not an object but a shared cause or creed you foster.
Connection. We all seek it but in different ways. I believe it is a critical component in finding a sense of healing after a death.
Below, I’ll tell you three things I learned about grief and connection, but first, allow me to explain how seeking connection became such an important part of the aftermath of losing my parents.
For a long time, I thought I was hugely different in the way I expressed my grief. I held onto my parents’ home and its contents for what ended up being eight years. I had launched the project of cleaning out my parents’ home – a task most people complete in a few weeks or months – but slowed to a snail’s pace.
I went through every stitch, every piece of paper, every photograph, every junk drawer. And every possible emotion. My favorite feeling was sensing their closeness. As I touched and examined the things they left behind, they seemed to be with me.
I thought I was a bit weird. And then I noticed in the most popular posts and tweets a common thread. A search for, or a celebration of, connection.
Connection gave comfort to grief-stricken daughters, wives and mothers. The connection seemed to signify an affirmation that love never died. Or that perhaps the loved one was still around in some mystical way.
By achieving connection, we seem to conquer death, if only for a moment.
How do we bridge that gulf, that space death created?
We sometimes bridge it in dreams. We can bridge it by putting up photographs of our parents, our grandparents, our husbands, our children. We sometimes bridge it by keeping their room just as it was. Or by engaging in a cause that was near to their hearts. We may run a race in their honor. We may go to their favorite places, or plant their favorite flower, or visit their favorite friend.
Six months after selling my childhood home, I thought hard about connection. I had released a huge link to my parents. It had been a huge milestone. And yet, I continued to struggle.
3 Things I Learned About Grief & Connection
- No matter how far we’ve come, we may find ourselves mourning when a connection is severed. I experienced an undercurrent of grief in letting go of the house. The grief may forever pop up from time to time, but that’s part of the process. And it’s OK.
- Trying to rekindle the connection may be disappointing. I stopped outside of the house a couple of times. It wasn’t the same. To everything there is a season. Once a season is past, the healthiest thing to do is embrace the next season.
- We don’t have to have an object to have connection – but it helps. I felt the absence of the connection. I was not able to go to my parents’ home, but I also still felt my parents close to me. I kept objects, but more importantly, my folks are embedded in my heart.
My parents’ home a few weeks before I signed papers to sell it.
It’s OK to seek out connection. I’m not talking about actually having a back-and-forth conversation with the dead. At best, I think mediums aren’t actually connecting us with our loved one. But an object is more than an object when it reminds us of the love we shared with someone, and that is a beautiful thing. It can help us step out into the season ahead of us.
What’s even more beautiful? That the connection, full of gaps and static now, will be restored for those individuals who’ve put their lives into the hands of Christ. I will be fully reconnected to my parents someday. They, too, were followers of Christ. That helps me endure the inferior connection that I grasp at now.
I want to hear about your connections. When do you feel closest to your loved one? What has that connection helped you do? Has it given perspective on your grief journey and helped you along to a measure of healing? Tell me your story.
Copyright © 2018 by Toni Lepeska. All rights reserved. www.tonilepeska.com
Updated 2022
I feel everything you’ve expressed here. Mom and Dad’s home sold within hours of being on the market and I was heartbroken! It was the gathering place for our family for as long as I can remember! All my childhood memories, adolescent memories, home from college memories, adulthood memories, then grief memories. Somehow when I was in their home, I felt them. When it sold, I bawled for days, weeks. My “strongest connection” to them was lost.
I kept Momma ‘s hairbrush and would inhale her scent as often as I could. Her scent is now gone. I keep searching for connections. I am drawn to anyone or anything reminding me of her.
I look in the mirror and see my dad in my own face and that is my connection to him. I know I look like Momma too, but when Dad passed first, I started seeing him in my own reflection almost immediately and still do. That’s my connection to him.
I hold photos of my dear parents and still can’t believe they are gone.
My brother got married last week (46 yo, first marriage). I felt their absence so strongly until I experience less their tribute to them. I bawled through the entire ceremony.
I am always searching…
And the holidays are approaching.
😭😭😭
Polly, I saw the lovely photos on your FB page of the wedding. Milestones like this can bring up both delightful but painful memories and feelings. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart and story. Unfortunately a lot of people go thru the house sale rather quickly – or either it’s jarring anyway because of the attachment – and we are left with an emptiness. My husband has a saying that at first did me no good but later, when I was ready to accept it, did. “It served its purpose.” He said it of the family house. It had sheltered us all, was the place that a lot of memories were created, and served as a place to mourn. I didn’t accept his assessment for years. Do your mourning. It is OK. It’s perfectly normal. God will comfort you in the spots that are hard for you personally …. I think it is wonderful you see likeness in the mirror. I’m adopted. I don’t have that. Hugs.