5 Grief Myths that Bind Us

Grief is surrounded by myths. Believing things that aren’t true isn’t healing and isn’t helpful. Myths cement us. We can’t move forward in our grief or, if we’re the comforting friend, we can’t be helpful. And in fact, we might accidentally injure our grieving loved one.

When we don’t measure up to what our myths tell us – for example, that stifling tears will smother our grief, but we can’t help but cry – we think we’re broken. We try to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. Or we ignore something that does.

Here are five myths that need snuffing out of our society.

1. Grief progresses in easily-defined stages.

I’m not knocking the people who try to set forth stages. They’ve got their place, but the stages shouldn’t be taken as a list to check off. “Whew, that was a tough one! On to the next stage!” That isn’t helpful because when you find yourself angry again, or depressed, you feel like you’ve failed and made no progress. Grief is a journey with no calendar. But don’t despair. If you allow yourself to meander with grief, you will discover progress.

2. Grief ends, and we “let go.”

I detest the terms “let go,” “move on,” and “find closure.” I suppose we use them because we hope for an end to grief. Perhaps “move forward” is a better term. We assimilate the reality of loss into a different kind of life which offers new joys that temper our loss.

3. Grief is painful, therefore we should avoid it.

   

Thing is, the grief is still there, even if you avoid it. It just goes deep. I’m a champion for dealing with grief head on. I don’t mean that we can order grief around, telling it what it can and can’t do to us. I mean giving grief the time it needs. I still have certain times I intend to grieve, such as on anniversaries. I’ve leaned into my sorrow. In that way, it has become less painful. Grief may seem like a jagged knife, but it can be a scalpel.

4. Grief is easier when the person you lost was suffering.

I thought my mother’s long illness prepared me for her death. And perhaps in some ways it did, but I still wailed when I learned she was gone. I still suffered anger, depression, shock, regret, and a deep, deep sense that a hole had formed in my life that would never go away. I was glad she wasn’t suffering anymore, but then I was. Don’t feel guilty or selfish if you still grieve. It’s perfectly understandable. You lost a beloved.

5. Grief demonstrates a lack of faith

Though Jesus knew God was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, he wept. God never expected us not to grieve. In fact, he offers to come beside us in our sorrow. The Bible says God is close to the brokenhearted. I’ve experienced his closeness in amazingly specific ways. Take your questions and pain to him. He’s waiting.

         What grief myths would you add to this list? Will you let go of the myths imposed on you today?

 

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